A Dads Good Stuff

A number of years ago I was visiting an industrial plant and was at their corporate headquarters.  In the lobby was hanging a framed picture with a quote on it.  Apparently, the company changed the picture on a regular basis with quotes from famous and interesting people.  Quotes like “I’ve had many great fears in my life, most of which never occurred,” attributed to Mark Twain (and a subject for a future blog).  The quote I saw that day though, particularly caught my attention, because it seemed somewhat contrary to how we normally react to a person not responding when we feel we have won the discussion.  Or, today when silencing a person seems to be the trend.  

The quote on the wall that day was written by an English Statesman and writer named John Morley.  It said: “You have not convinced a man because you have silenced him.”  It’s been said in other ways: “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still,” which has been attributed to Benjamin Franklin, but recorded in writings many years before he lived. 

After some contemplation, I realized this was a rather powerful statement.  How often in a conversation have you heard someone ask: “Well, what did he say after you told him that?” and the response would be: “After I told him what I thought, what could he say?”  I’m sure I have been guilty of that myself.  Thinking just because the other person didn’t say anything, it meant I won the discussion or argument.  But is that really the case?  I’ve come to realize it is not.  When a person becomes silent, it does not necessarily mean they are convinced.  They’ve merely become silent, probably not convinced.  

It seems like today there’s a lot of that going around. “I’ll beat you down with a bunch of information until you have no response.”  Or, “we will get an overwhelming number of authoritative people to agree with us and you will no longer have a position.”  “Maybe if we can get enough people to say it, it will become true, and people will believe it.”  In our culture today it seems to be the trend that whoever can get the most people on their side, thinks they are winning the discussion.  There may be a lot of people out there that just don’t want to argue the point and happy just being silent, and not convinced.  A politician many years ago made reference to this as the “silent majority.”  I don’t know if it’s the majority, but it could be a lot of people.  

This is not only a consideration with regard to society or politics, but also in relations with our friends or family.  A wife that tells her husband he needs to do something, and hears “crickets,” should probably not expect him to jump up from watching the game and go do whatever she asked.  More than likely he will have to be reminded a few more times, and it may never get done.  I suspect the husband doesn’t think it needs to be done, or at least not soon.  I have also determined that when my wife is silent, it is not a good sign that I am right. 

When we communicate with children, how often do we go on about something they have done, and they just stand there and say nothing?  Maybe our children were different, but I remember that situation quite often.  Parents leave the discussion (if we can call it that) thinking they’ve convinced the child of their wrongdoing, but the child walks away thinking, “I don’t know why mom and dad were so upset.”  Maybe at the end of the conversation we need to ask them how they feel about our comments, and if they agree.  Parents may be surprised at the answer, but hopefully not angered even more.  

If after a conversation or argument, the other person becomes silent, there is an option to either remain silent ourselves, or ask the person if they agree.  But, walking away thinking we have won or convinced someone because they are silent, is probably not a wise conclusion, and getting more people on our side, more than likely won’t change their mind.  One thing we should all remember though, is the quote by Abraham Lincoln, when he said: “If you are arguing with a fool, make sure they’re not doing the same thing.”

I love reading, remembering and applying quotes to conversations.  There are some people that have such command of language, and say things it in such a way, it’s worth spending some time just thinking about what they said.  I sometimes think I could have stayed up all night and not come up with anything that good.  My day timers are full of quotes I have written down over the years.  I’m sure you will hear more of them in future blogs. 

Thank you for reading.

Dad 

I must admit, I probably have more things in my closet than I need or will ever wear out.  Sometimes I wonder why I keep so much stuff, but that’s a theme for another blog.  I’m sure one of the reasons is memories.  Our closets are full of them.  Maybe it’s a certain suit or dress you wore at a friend’s or even a child’s wedding. Maybe a tee shirt you bought at a particular location, on a special occasion.  Maybe a pair of shoes you wore to a party or maybe to church on occasions.  If those shoes could talk, just imagine what they could say about places you’ve been, things you’ve done, people you’ve met.  

I have a pair of shoes in my closet I bought a number of years ago.  I purchased them on a weekend when one of our boys was playing baseball in college.  After a double header, my wife and I had some time to kill, so we went to the local Outlet Mall to browse around.  I bought this pair of work shoes at the Bass outlet.  They’re not worn out since I haven’t used them a great deal over the years, but every time I put them on, I remember watching our sons play baseball. 

We’ve had 3 son’s play baseball in college, so my wife and I have traveled a lot of miles, sat through a lot of games, and enjoyed times we’ll never forget.  One of the more unforgettable games was when our oldest son was playing 2 double headers on a Saturday and Sunday in Tennessee.  My wife and I left our house on Friday evening and stayed the night in Louisville, got up the next morning, and headed to the game which started at noon.  

We arrived at the park a little late and had just sat down to begin watching the game.  Our team had already batted and was just going into the field for the bottom half of the first inning.  Our son, who was the catcher, warmed up the pitcher, threw the ball down to second base, and was ready for the first batter.  I’m not sure if it was the first or second pitch, but the batter swung at the ball, and on the back swing, caught our son’s arm with the bat and laid open a gash 5-6” long, just below his elbow.  We’ve watched our children play basketball, football, soccer, softball, and 3 sons play college baseball.  I’ve always told my wife, if one of them gets hurt, we sit there until the coach motions us over, which in this situation, is exactly what he did.  

So, my wife and I took our son to the hospital to be stitched up. 17 stitches later the doctor was wrapping up our son’s arm.  With the amount of bandages he put on that arm, he must have known what our son was going to do as he told him he shouldn’t play for 2 weeks.  We got to the ballpark just about the time the team was loading the bus to go to the hotel.  As we approached the bus the coach asked: “What did the doctor say? To which our son responded: “He said I’m good for tomorrow.”  Now, if we were good parents, we probably should have told the coach that the doctor said he shouldn’t play for 2 weeks, but we felt that as a senior in college, he needed to make some of his own decisions.  Well, he caught both games the next day, and never had any problems with this arm, so maybe we’re not such bad parents after all. 

Every time I put those shoes on, I sit and ponder about some of the very enjoyable and interesting times we had watching our children paly baseball.  It always brings a smile to my face.  

There are many other items in my closet that bring back memories, but possibly none as much as the 50-year old suit I have hanging there.  I mentioned in a previous blog a mentor I had while working summers in college.  This man was the kind of person an 18 to 20-year old boy would be captivated by.  He was a good businessman, wealthy, smart, tough, and had a great wife and family.  His oldest son was my best friend.  He was always quite a nice dresser, and whenever he and his wife went out, they were always “dressed to the nines.”  One evening after work he told his wife he wanted to go buy a new suit, which would usually mean more than just a suit. He asked me if I wanted to go.  Never passing up the opportunity to be with him, of course I said yes.  Going shopping with him was not just a trip to the mall, it was going to a high-end men’s store and getting the whole experience.  

As he and his wife were deciding on suits, I was looking through the section with my size, thinking would I ever be able to afford a suit like this.  At that moment he walked over to me and asked which one of those suits I liked the most. I said: “well, I like this one or that one.”  He looked over to the tailor and said: “We’ll take these two.” I immediately responded by saying I didn’t have enough money to buy those suits.  Then he said: “I do.”   So, for the first time in my life I stood for a tailor fitting me for 2 suits.  You want to blow the mind of a poor 19-year old boy?  Buying him 2 new suits at a high-end men’s store will certainly do it. 

I’ve since given one of the suits to an organization that cloths people in need, but the second one I just can’t part with.  Maybe one of these days, double breasted wide lapel suits will come back in style, and I can go out some evening “dressed to the nines.”.  That is, if I can get it on.  That suit brings back memories I can think about for hours.

So, what’s in your closet?  I’m sure if you look, there are some memories in there. Maybe some rainy Saturday or Sunday afternoon you might enjoy looking through your closet, and spend some time with your memories. I certainly do.

Thank you for reading.

Dad 

Everyone must suffer one of 2 pains.  Either the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret. Athletes call it “No pain, no gain.” In 1648 Robert Herrick wrote a poem called: “No Paines, No Gaines,” so the idea has been around for quite some time.  It’s been described as “No bees no honey, no work, no money,” or “No guts, no glory.”  All basically mean the same thing.  Without effort, little will be accomplished.  

This awareness affects nearly every segment of our lives, from relations with our family, association with friends, and how we perform on our jobs, with our hobbies, and in our athletic endeavors. I wonder how many times Steph Curry shot a basketball before he even got into the NBA.  I was once told it was the goal of Larry Bird to shoot 1000 times a day.  I don’t know if that’s true or not, and I’ve never talked to Larry Bird, but assuming it is true, it’s no wonder Larry Bird and Seth Curry are among the greatest shooters of all time.  

But on a more personal thought, what regrets do you have in your life?  My mother passed away last November, and the one regret I have is that I didn’t spend more time with her the last few years of her life.  I wish I would have asked more about her childhood, as she lived through the depression and WWII.  I wish I would have asked her more about raising 4 children, after a wounded husband returned from the war.  After my father died, I wish I would have gone to her house more often and had lunch with her.  She was always asking me to come over for lunch.  I often did, but not nearly as much as I should have.  Now it’s too late, and those opportunities are long gone.  Are you spending enough time with those you love?

During the summers when I was in college, I worked for an individual, and stayed with his loving family.  He was a mentor to me, and much of my success I contribute to the time I spent with him.  I loved him and his family.  One of the greatest regrets I have in life is not visiting him more often and gaining knowledge from his many experiences.  He and his wife died years ago, and all I have are a lot of memories, but many regrets.  Are you often visiting friends and people who have touched your life?

When I look back at the accomplishments in my life, there are times I wish I would have worked harder, studied longer, and been more diligent in what I was doing.  What do you wish to accomplish?  Are you working hard enough to reach your goals?  Is it finishing an education, starting a company, making a sports team, or just being good parents?  We all have regrets, but there’s no better time than now to begin eliminating as many as possible.  The pain of discipline is heavy, but the pain of regret weighs tons.  

One of my favorite quotes is one by Theodore Roosevelt.  It’s been quoted so many times, and possibly changed a little from his original speech in 1910, but the meaning remains the same.  “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that he will never be among those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” Are we willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish what we wish to achieve; to spend enough time with others; to dedicate ourselves to excellence; to be the best person we can be, doing the most good to see others also achieve success? The road’s not easy, and there are many pitfalls and difficulties along the way, but the satisfaction of reaching an accomplished goal is most often well worth the efforts. There’s no greater joy than seeing happy, healthy, successful children; having parents enjoying their years in the presence of children and grandchildren; enjoying times with good friends; or seeing a job well done. It’s never too late to begin a good thing.

I think a very important question we must ask ourselves, is not “what do we regret,” because we can’t do much about that now, but the real question should be: “What will we regret?”  The answer to that question may well change our lives, make us better people, and cause us to realize, a time will come that the opportunities we wanted so badly have passed us by. 

Let us suffer the pain of discipline rather than the pain of regret. 

I plan on writing a lot more about the things I mentioned above. Things about raising children, getting along with others, helping children set goals and make decisions, taking care of aging parents, and just getting through life, to name a few.

Thanks for reading. I look forward to writing my next blog. Hope you look forward to reading it.

Dad